The White POTUS

The reign of the Mad King has begun

I don’t know if you have been reading the news lately. It has been depressing, I must admit. How does one get over Timothy Chalamet losing out on the Best Actor prize at the Oscars for his portrayal of Bob Dylan. Timmy spent the last five years on learning to play the guitar, and mumbling like Dylan. He even sang forty of Dylan’s songs and wore a yellow suit to the Oscars. What more is a lad to do?

If that wasn’t bad, last week, a foreigner marched insolently into the Oval Office, dressed in a disrespectful manner, having already received billions and billions in dollars from the US government, and demanded that American taxpayers keep paying more and more in billions and subsidizing him for decades to come. Well, enough about Elon Musk.

I really don’t know how we went from Brat Summer to Nazi Winter, but to those who voted for Trump because “he is not a politician,” I hope your next colonoscopy is done by the neighborhood plumber.

Last week, Robert Kennedy Jr, the guy in charge of our Health, responded to a measles outbreak in Texas by asking mothers to let their babies to inhale exhaust fumes from cars as an antidote. RFK Jr also said that he is working on making asbestos great again.

There is a man in America named Pete Hegseth. He used to be a weekend talk show host on Fox News. He has a habit of drinking so much that he throws up every time he drinks. He once tried to kill his ex-wife by choking her. His ex-wife denied accusations of physical abuse in the marriage by saying, “Can you guys please let it go? I don’t feel like being strangulated again.” It feels like Pete has already unlocked several achievement levels in one lifetime. He is now America’s defense secretary. He fired the Joint Chiefs of Staff, a black man, and the head of the US Navy, a woman, all within a week of taking office.

You’ve all seen videos of robots from companies like Boston Dynamics that can dance and perform acrobatics. Now, the robotics industry is promising to develop two legged humanoid robots that will be intelligent and help with day to day tasks like doing the laundry and fetching groceries from cars. Marc Raibert, the CEO of Boston Dynamics, added, “Yes, we’re developing exciting new humanoid robots, but first, we are working on trying to get Elon Musk to walk normally and more confidently.”

The sexual tension between tech billionaires, Sam Altman and Elon Musk, reached a new high with Musk filing a lawsuit and asking a California judge to stop Altman from converting his company, OpenAI, into a for-profit enterprise. The judge struck down the case, asking Musk and Altman “to get a room and sort this out.”

Last night, Trump delivered the State of the Union speech to the US Congress. It’s a tradition for American presidents to let the Congress know what their vision is and how the country is doing. Trump decided to use his speech instead to let the American people know what he thought of himself. “Many say I am better than George Washington. Some say he is better than me. I don’t know. I think I am better.” There is yet another George that comes to mind. Mad King George.

In the speech, Trump assailed his predecessor Biden (“the worst President ever”) and hailed his own “America First” agenda as a game changer for the country. He announced that wokeism was dead and promised a return to “common sense.” Trump announced that the US government would set up a “Strategic Reserve” funded with billions of taxpayer dollars, which would be used to buy cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, Ether, Ripple, Solana and Cardano. He also directed the guys in charge of the reserve to buy large quantities of Superman comics, Pokémon cards, Barbie dolls and Pez dispensers with rare action figures. I don’t know about you, but I have a bad feeling about the return to “common sense.”

In his speech, Trump did NOT touch on his campaign promises to bring inflation and prices down, to end the war in Ukraine “within 24 hours of becoming President,” and to provide a lasting solution to illegal immigration. Instead, he praised Elon Musk (“he doesn’t have to do this, you know”), and claimed there were millions of dead people in the social security database who were over 150 years of age to whom 500 billion dollars of money was being sent every year. He also said that the nadir of Western Civilization was reached at 4:23PM on a Saturday sometime last July during Biden’s term.

Trump touted tariffs as “fair” and that they would “make America rich again.” Trump announced confidently, “We’re going to do a lot of tariffs. What a beautiful word. Tariffs. I love saying tariffs. Tariffs. We’re gonna do a lot of tariffs. There are over 200 countries in the world. Imagine how many tariffs we could do. I think we’re gonna make a lot of money. Tariffs. A lotta money. The stock markets are going to go so high you’re not gonna believe it. The only thing I can think of that will be higher than the stock markets is Elon Musk.”

That’s all, folks. Have a great week ahead!