The What Ho! Report

August 4, 2023

The What Ho! Report is a collection of satire and fake news. I read the New York Times and watch Fox News so you are not forced to. 4 out of 5 dentists recommend the What Ho! report.

Billionaire signs Clarence Thomas to a seven-year, $130 million deal

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’s name is once again in the headlines with Texas based real estate magnate Harlan Crow. According to recent revelations, Crow had paid private school tuition for Thomas’s grand-nephew, and Thomas had accepted several free rides on Crow’s private jet. The billionaire has now taken their relationship to a new level by signing Thomas to an exclusive seven-year deal worth $130 million. His office released a statement which said, “I knew that Clarence recently became a free agent, and I did what any billionaire would do when a Supreme Court Justice is up for grabs. We’re very pleased to have Clarence on our team.” The judge refused comment, but rumors abound that he is not happy with the merchandising royalties.

Elizabeth Warren demands that billionaires be forced to donate their organs while still alive.

Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts is preparing a bill that will require billionaires to mandatorily donate most of their organs while they are still alive. In a press conference, Sen Warren denounced the billionaire class as “evil,” and added, “It’s no secret that billionaires don’t pay their fair share of taxes. I propose that we surgically remove as many organs from their bodies as possible even while they are still alive to exact revenge upon them.”

Sam Altman to require people to undergo surgery to buy his cryptocurrency.

In a startling development, Sam Altman, founder and CEO of OpenAI will now require buyers to undergo surgery before they are allowed to buy Worldcoin, a cryptocurrency token being promoted by him. Altman tweeted, “When we first launched the token, we were asking people to scan their eyeballs using Orb, our weird looking device. After thinking through it, I will feel more comfortable if we can perform surgery and implant a number of chips inside them. This is much simpler and more elegant. Since the idea of implanting chips inside people troubles me a great deal, I am proactively calling on the US Congress to urgently intervene and stop me.”

DNC looking into fielding a de-aged hologram of Joe Biden in 2024

The Democratic National Committee has been secretly discussing the possibility of fielding a de-aged hologram of President Joe Biden as a candidate in the 2024 Presidential elections. According to leaked internal emails obtained by the What Ho! Report, there is apparently a high level of anxiety about whether Biden, who is 82 years old, can withstand the rigors of an election campaign. “It’s 6pm. He’s been napping for 5 hours. Can you please wake him up? Zelensky is on the phone,” reads an email from his Chief of Staff to Jill Biden, the First Lady. When confronted about the constitutional validity of a hologram running for office, a DNC spokesperson responded tersely, “We are confident about the constitutional rights of holograms to run for office. As long as it is not a black person or a woman, we know that the Constitution pretty much protects everyone and everything else.”

Ron DeSantis claims that slavery may be the best thing that has ever happened to West Africans.

Presidential candidate and Florida governor, Ron DeSantis doubled down on his recent comments that “slavery provided certain benefits to slaves.” In comments at a private party for rich, white donors in Alabama, DeSantis made a passionate case for the benefits of slavery. In a leaked recording, the governor is heard saying, “In fact, slavery may be the best thing that has ever happened to West Africans. If we had not enslaved them and brought them here, would they be even able to play in the NFL or the NBA?”

Netflix to restrict viewers from watching with both eyes.

Netflix, buoyed by recent successes in restricting multiple users from using the same account, will soon introduce new terms that will restrict the number of eyes watching a screen. The company spokesperson explained, “This program is designed to prevent others from watching your screen without paying for our services. For example, if the account Is restricted to only three eyes, three people can watch simultaneously with only one eye each and keep the other eye closed.”

Donald Trump considering assassinating Chris Christie to deflect attention from his indictments.

Former President, Donald Trump, who is under severe pressure from a spate of federal and other indictments, is rumored to be considering shooting Chris Christie, another Presidential candidate, to deflect attention from his legal woes. Writing on TruthSocial, a social media platform, Trump said, “When I said that no one would care if I shot someone on Fifth Avenue in broad daylight, I meant it. Chris is a failed Governor. Failed. He’s a failed man. It’s really sad to see him like this. I don’t think anyone will miss him. I don’t think they will.” Flash polls indicate that nearly 4 out of 5 Repblican voters enthusiastically approve of Trump’s diabolical plan.

In other news, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez has called upon the recently discovered extraterrestrial aliens to unionize as soon as possible. The feisty Congresswoman from New York City posted a video on Instagram in which she said, “I know they just arrived. But it’s never too early to unionize and drive businesses out of the city.”

That’s all, folks. Have a great weekend!