The Vaccine is now the What Ho! Report

July 28 edition of the What Ho! Report

Dear readers,

According to the Chinese government and Bill Gates, the pandemic is officially over. So, the Vaccine shall henceforth be known as the What Ho! Report. Those of you familiar with my erstwhile blog will recognize the name. The name change was inspired by Elon Musk who changed a perfectly well named Twitter to X. Much like Elon, I too have grand visions for the future, which involve writing entertaining fake news for a captive audience (you), which doesn’t seem to know how to unsubscribe.

Without further ado, I present the What Ho! Report, a weekly satirical round up of news and other events. The What Ho! Report is Fake News. Four out of five dentists recommend the What Ho! Report. I watch CNN and read the New York Times so you don’t have to.

Bill Gates admits to causing the Covid-19 pandemic.

In an exclusive interview with the What Ho! Report, Bill Gates, software tycoon, billionaire, and a close friend of billionaires like Jeffrey Epstein, finally admitted that he was responsible for unleashing the Covid-19 virus and causing the entire world to go into an unprecedented lockdown for nearly two years. Mr. Gates said, in a rare burst of candor and with thinly disguised pride, “After Melinda discovered that I had been cavorting with Epstein, she filed for divorce. Things were moving fast, and I couldn’t stop them. I had no choice but to unleash the virus and shut down the world to give myself time to work it out. I mean, what even is the point in being a billionaire if you can’t shut the world down occasionally?” Mr. Gates refused to comment on his relationship with Epstein, a convicted pedophile and now deceased, other than to say, “You know, he was an excellent accountant. We had a lot of fun working on my tax returns. He had a lot of interesting people over. I mean, where else would you get to see Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew relaxing by the pool?” Mr. Gates also admitted that he toyed with the idea of implanting 5G chips in every human being on the planet at one point but reluctantly gave up the idea as “it felt too complicated.”

The White House refuses to consider the possibility of pardoning Hunter Biden, the son of President Joe Biden, who faces criminal charges of tax avoidance and possession of a firearm despite being a drug user. The White House spokesperson dismissed the possibility of the President intervening on his son’s behalf. “We have already spoken to the judge, the FBI and whoever else we need to speak to. They understand that it is their job to exonerate Hunter in time, so we can re-elect President Biden. This is their job, not the President’s.” In the meanwhile, Hunter was last seen poolside with Bill Gates and Ukraine’s president Zelensky in a deep discussion on how the war with Russia could be prolonged.

Gavin Newsom pondering a run for Presidency when he is 84 years old.

With more than half of the country’s voters not interested in seeing either the geriatric Joe Biden or the bellicose Donald Trump return to the White House, rumors have been swirling around Washington DC on possible alternatives. In an exclusive scoop, the What Ho! Report has discovered that Governor Gavin Newsom, 55, of California has convened a committee to investigate the possibility of a Presidential run in about 32 years. A What Ho! Report poll shows an 88-year-old Newsom beating a relatively young 77-year-old Ron DeSantis by a close margin of 2 points in the year 2056. Bernie Sanders, 81, in the meanwhile, has declined to rule out the possibility of a 2056 run.

Modi, Bibi, Erdogan plan summit to end democracy once and for all

Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu of Israel, Prime Minister Narendra Modi of India and President Recep Tayyip Erdogan have planned a summit in Istanbul, Turkey, in September this year to discuss various approaches to ending democracy once and for all, in their countries and around the world. A joint statement issued by the three leaders said, “We have already made excellent progress towards this objective by undermining the free press, disqualifying leaders of Opposition and in general being assholes and owning the leftist liberal retards. There is still much work to be done with regards to dismantling Supreme Courts and changing middle school curricula. We’re pleased that the Texas Republican party is sending a delegation to the summit at our invitation. We hope to learn from them and in turn teach them a few tricks as well.”

Whistleblowers out aliens in dramatic Congressional testimony

In dramatic testimony at a Congressional hearing, three whistleblowers, who formerly worked in government intelligence agencies, testified that the US government had hidden decades of evidence of extraterrestrial aliens and that “non biologics” had been recovered from crash sites of “UAPs” (Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena). When asked to describe what aliens looked like, one of them held up a photo of Mark Zuckerberg, throwing the credibility of the proceedings into doubt. Meta, the company of which Zuckerberg is CEO, swiftly issued a tweet which said, “These claims are unfounded. We can neither confirm nor deny if Mr. Zuckerberg is an extraterrestrial alien,” to which Elon Musk replied, “Concerning.” If the cage fight between Musk and Zuckerberg ever happens, it will be the first combat ever televised of a human battling a possible extraterrestrial form. When asked why they were now calling UFOs “UAPs,” the whisteblowers admitted they too were inspired by Elon Musk changing Twitter’s name to X.

South Korean scientists claim to have discovered a room temperature superconductor.

Discovery of a room temperature superconductor, if true, has the potential to upend science and technology. The advent of room-temperature superconductivity, for example, could pave the way for groundbreaking high-speed trains that can travel without using much energy. The results are yet to be peer reviewed, and the world waits with cautious optimism for a confirmation. In the meanwhile, Robert Kennedy Jr, a Democratic candidate for President, is rumored to be writing a book on the linkages between room temperature superconductors and arthritis in middle aged men. In a Fox News townhall, Bobby Jr declared, “I have been awaiting this discovery for 30 years so I could unveil my allegations. Trust me, this is even more exciting and a more serious threat than 5G phones. I’m besides myself with excitement at the possibilities of conspiracy theories that can arise a result of this. As your President, I will ensure that every citizen of the United States will have maximum transparency on room temperature superconductors.”

Sam Altman muses on how he first decided to embark on world destruction.

Altman is the CEO of OpenAI, the company that recently released chatGPT, that annoyingly smug AI chatbot which has no problem with lying if it doesn’t know the answers to your questions. Altman is also a “prepper,” one of those people who have built underground bunkers and have hoarded huge numbers of canned beans and rifles in preparation for Doomsday. Altman recently released a cryptocurrency token called Worldcoin. To buy this token, consumers will have to allow their irises to be scanned by a device called the “Orb.” Altman candidly shared his Orb-ellian vision with the What Ho! Report. “It’s simple. I want to scan the eyes of every person on the planet. Wouldn’t it be cool? Imagine if we could have everyone’s identity in a database. I could much more easily control the mobs when AI has put them all out of jobs and they’re out on the streets, seeking revenge on me.” In a wide-ranging interview, Altman also confessed that he would have done none of this if only he had been able to get a date to the high school prom. “That was the night I got the idea to code GPT-1, with an express intent to destroy the world,” he mused.

That’s all folks. Have a great weekend ahead! Toodles.