The United States of Absurdity

It’s still only January

It is January, which is traditionally the month when Americans, fresh off the holiday season, grimly resolve to improve their lives by eating only kale and joining a gym that they will visit exactly twice before realizing that “exercise” is just a fancy word for “sweating in a room that smells like despair.”

Usually, January is a quiet time. A boring time. A time for paying bills and regretting the purchase of the inflatable lawn Santa. But not this year. No, the Federal Government of the United States has decided that 2026 is going to be the year it completely stops taking its medication.

I am not making this up. If you have been following the news for the last three weeks, you are probably thinking: Surely you are exaggerating, Dr What Ho!. Surely the world’s leading superpower did not just try to buy an arctic island, accidentally invade South America, break up with doctors and charge a cover fee for world peace.

To which I say: Ha ha. You clearly underestimate the American capacity for what technical experts call “High-Octane Weirdness.”

Let’s start with the “Board of Peace.”

This sounds like a board game that you play with your family on a rainy Sunday, which ends three hours later when grandpa throws the dice at the cat because he landed on “Nuclear Winter.” But it is actually a real thing that President Trump announced at Davos.

The concept is simple: To join the Board of Peace, a country must pay - and I swear I am not making this up - One Billion Dollars.

That is the entry fee. It’s like a Country Club for geopolitics, only instead of getting access to a golf course and a mediocre buffet, you get to sit in a room and nod while the United States explains why wind turbines are actually secret listening devices for whales.

Naturally, this caused some kerfuffles. For example, Canada - a nation that is essentially a large, polite block of ice populated by people who chug maple syrup and apologize to trees when they bump into them - raised a hand and asked if maybe peace should be, you know, free?

The response from the White House was immediate: Canada was uninvited. They were kicked out. Banned from the treehouse. Trump basically told Prime Minister Mark Carney that Canada only exists because we allow it to, which is the diplomatic equivalent of telling your upstairs neighbor that you could technically burn his apartment down whenever you wanted to, so he’d better stop complaining about your loud music.

So now the Board of Peace is just the US and whoever else has a spare billion dollars lying around, while Canada stands outside in the snow, pressing its nose against the glass and mouthing, “Sorry.”

But the administration was not done. Having solved World Peace by turning it into a pay-per-view event, they turned their eyes to Global Real Estate.

Specifically, Greenland.

Alert readers of What Ho! will recall that a few years ago, the US tried to buy Greenland, and Denmark said no. Well, apparently, “No” is just Danish for “Try again in 2026,” because we are back at it. We want to buy Greenland.

Why? Nobody knows. Maybe we need more ice. Maybe we want to corner the market on polar bears. Maybe the President looked at a map, saw a big white space, and thought, “That would be a great place for a casino.” The Danes are currently responding with the weary patience of a parent explaining to a toddler that they cannot buy the moon, no matter how shiny it looks.

But Greenland was just the appetizer. The main course was Venezuela.

In a move that surprised literally everyone, including probably all the people involved, the US military apparently arrested the President of Venezuela, Nicolás Maduro, and his wife. And then - this is the best part - President Trump announced that the United States would “temporarily run the nation.”

“Temporarily run.”

It sounds so casual, doesn’t it? Just two words doing a massive amount of heavy lifting in geopolitical communications. It’s like we’re house-sitting. Like we’re just going to pop down to South America, water the plants, feed the cat, and maybe overthrow the local junta while we’re there. It’s the “Pop-Up Shop” model of imperialism. We’re not conquering you; we’re just doing a limited-time management takeover until we find a manager who agrees with us about everything.

Meanwhile, back home, the excitement continued with “Operation Metro Surge” in Minnesota, which sounds like a caffeinated soft drink but is actually a massive crackdown involving ICE agents. It has been controversial, mostly because the White House released a photo of a protester that had been digitally altered to make her look like she was crying.

That’s right. The Federal Government is now using the “Crying Filter.”

We are at the point where the Department of Homeland Security is operating with the maturity level of a 14-year-old on TikTok. I assume next week they will release a press release written entirely in emojis, featuring a picture of the Canadian Prime Minister with the “Dog Ears” filter.

And through it all, there is Trump.

You have to admire the man’s stamina. Or, more accurately, the lack of it. In the middle of all this - the annexations, the peace fees, the diplomatic feuds - President Trump attended a roundtable discussion on milk prices and fell asleep.

I am not criticizing him here. I have attended meetings about milk prices. If you have never been to a meeting about milk prices, let me tell you: It is not a thrill ride. It is not Avengers: Endgame. It is a bunch of people in suits debating 2% vs whole milk until your soul leaves your body.

So there was the Leader of the Free World, head bobbing, fighting the Sandman, while his cabinet discussed dairy subsidies. The White House later denied he was sleeping, claiming his “mental sharpness is second to none.” Which is exactly what I say when my wife catches me napping during a show that we watch together. “I wasn’t sleeping!” I say. “Hey, my mental sharpness is second to none!”

He also apparently dozed off during a meeting about cannabis, which, to be fair, is probably the most appropriate reaction to have at a meeting about cannabis.

The US withdrew from the World Health Organization. Let’s face it: America and the WHO are the “Ross and Rachel” of international relations. We were on a break, then we were back, and now we’re breaking up again because we apparently want to see other health organizations. Who knows, maybe if we stop talking to the doctors, the diseases will get the hint and go away.

So, to recap: We are selling memberships to a Peace Club. We are trying to buy the Arctic. We are substitute-teaching Venezuela. We are Photoshopping tears onto protesters. Our President is napping during dairy summits; and we are seeing other health organizations.

It is only January 25th. We’re no longer a country. We’re now a relentless content machine on Tik tok, with an influencer running the country and throwing darts at a board called “International Incidents.”

I don’t know what February holds. Maybe we will buy the Eiffel Tower and turn it into a water slide. Maybe we will declare war on the metric system. Maybe we will all just take a cue from the President, close our eyes, and hope that when we wake up, the world will have switched back to a channel that makes sense.

Have a great rest of January. Keep a billion dollars ready. Just in case.