Tell me lies

Tell me sweet little lies

Several US officials, including the Vice President and the Defense Secretary, disclosed plans to attack Houthi rebels in a group chat that included Jeff Greenberg, the chief editor of the Atlantic. They were using an app called Signal. Greenberg wrote in the Atlantic that Michael Walz, the national security adviser, had added him to the group chat. Apparently, no one noticed anything amiss when a strange Yemeni number on the group chat messaged, “NEW PHONE HOUTHIS?” The most alarming aspect of SignalGate is the impunity with which people are being added to group chats without their consent.

Russia and Ukraine said they were committed to stop fighting in the Black Sea to ensure safe shipping. It’s unclear if the pause will take effect soon. Russia’s agreement came with a caveat: It would stop only if the US and the EU removed restrictions on its agricultural exports. Rumors have it that Putin’s first preference is for Volodimir Zelenskyy, the President of Ukraine, to step down right away to allow a quicker and more peaceful annexation of Ukraine by Christmas this year.

Palestinians in Gaza protested this week in a rare show of dissent against Hamas, chanting slogans for the terrorist organization to leave Gaza. Other Gazans carried more neutral signs opposing the continuation of war. A sizable group of Gazans held signs to express their displeasure against the Oscar snub to Timothy Chalamet. “Frankly, it’s unconscionable. What more can Timmy do to win?” said one of the protesters. In the meanwhile, Binyamin Netanyahu fired his defense minister, Yoav Gallant, for not being more supportive of genocide.

Vice President, JD Vance, and his wife, Usha Vance, visited an American military installation in Greenland yesterday. The plan was originally for Usha Vance to attend a dog sled race, but JD decided to join at the last minute, to his wife’s disappointment. Speaking to reporters, Usha remarked wistfully, “I was originally planning to take a couple of my girlfriends who I haven’t seen since high school, and stay at the Four Seasons in Greenland. I hear it’s gorgeous. We were going to drink lots of wine, hook up with some hot Russian guys, and go to a dog sled race. Then JD decided to join, and he ended up spending a lot of the time with the couch instead.”

The New York Times reported this week that the White House was trying to recruit sponsors for the Easter Egg Roll. Corporate backers will choose from options ranging from $75,000 to $200,000. The White House is also rumored to be toying with the idea of replacing the Easter Bunny with the Playboy bunny.

The police recovered a pair of diamond earrings worth nearly $800,000 that they say a Florida man (it’s always a man from Florida when it comes to these things) had stolen and swallowed. The man spent more than 12 days in the hospital before “expelling” the jewelry from his system. He has been charged with first-degree grand theft and third-degree-robbery with a mask. The man is rumored to being showing interest in running to be the next Governor of Florida, after active encouragement from the Republican Party.

In other news

The Immigration and Naturalization Service is said to be drafting a proposal that will include a swimsuit competition for those applying for US citizenship. Speaking to reporters, President Trump defended the proposal saying, “I came up with this idea. I think it’s brilliant. It has a lot of potential. I used to run the Miss USA pageant, and I always tell people that you can never truly judge how good someone is until you’ve interviewed them in their underwear.”

Rumors have it that Pope Francis has embraced Christianity “with an open and full heart” after his close brush with death. Someone close to the Pope said, “He’s a new man now. I’ve seen him praying daily these days. It’s amazing, I think he has become actually religious now.”

President Trump announced 300% tariffs on all goods from any country whose leader visits the White House and leaves without saying Thank You.

A proposed new law in California will make it illegal for parents to talk to their children or ask them about anything whatsoever. “We’re dealing with an epidemic of parental control freaks in this country. Our children have suffered enough. They too have Fifth Amendment rights that allow them to not incriminate themselves. We’re putting an end to this tyranny today,” said Gavin Newsom, Governor of California, who plans to disavow the law and denounce his party for being “too woke” by next Friday on his podcast.

The Democratic Party is said to have filed suit in a federal court in California claiming breach of trust and damages against 18 million illegal immigrants. In a statement, the party said, “We are deeply disappointed that these 18 million illegal immigrants failed to vote for us in 2016 and 2024, causing us to suffer grievous and heavy losses in the elections. It is a horrendous betrayal of President Biden who has allowed more illegal immigrants into America than any other President since Ellis Island opened.”

President Trump pardoned Nikola Corp founder, Trevor Milton, for his 2022 conviction of federal crimes related to defrauding investors with false claims about the success of his car company. When quizzed by reporters, Trump said, “I don’t know who this guy is, but many people highly recommended that I pardon him. They say it was very unfair. He was targeted because he was one of the first people to support me.” Trump is also said to be considering pardoning El Chapo, ex-leader of the Sinaloa Mexican drug cartel, who is currently serving a life sentence in a Colorado prison. “El Chapo is a deeply misunderstood guy. Do you know what misunderstood means? It means not understood. I have spoken to him. He tells me that he has read all my books. He is a very smart guy. Very smart. He made billions after reading my books. Billions. Did you know that he voted for me in 2016, 2020 and 2024 in California. I think I’m gonna cut him some slack.”

NEW: Deep Quote Of The Week (DQOTW) from Dr. What Ho!

The future is always hard to see but what goes vastly unappreciated is that the present is even harder to see. As George Orwell put it, “To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.”

That’s all, folks. Have a lovely weekend.