Stoats, Suits, and the Skeleton

I read the New York Times so you don't have to.

I hope your Sunday morning is proceeding with more dignity than the rest of the world’s week. I believe we have officially entered the “Late-Stage Absurdity” phase of human civilization. It is a time when geopolitical strategy is dictated by a man’s choice of neckwear and our diplomatic envoys are predatory rodents.

First, the Jeffrey Epstein “Transparency Event.” For twenty years, this case has been the Loch Ness Monster of the American political landscape. Everyone heard it was out there, but every time a camera got close, the water got suspiciously murky and a lawyer appeared to tell you that looking at it was a violation of a Secret Maritime Treaty.

The sordid saga began in 2005 in Palm Beach, when a 14-year-old girl’s family reported a “massage” that was anything but therapeutic. What followed was two decades of what McKinsey consultants might call “Strategic Incompetence”. There was the 2008 sweetheart deal that let Epstein sleep at his office while serving “jail time,” the 2019 “suicide” in a jail cell where the cameras coincidentally took a nap at the same time as the guards, and finally, the “Epstein Files Transparency Act,” signed this past November.

This week, the Department of Justice finally “complied” with that Act by dumping 3.5 million pages of documents onto the internet. It was billed as the ultimate moment of clarity. Instead, it was a masterclass in aggressive deflection.

Attorney General Pam Bondi spent five hours before the House Judiciary Committee last Wednesday explaining why the DOJ managed a truly impressive double-fault. They somehow released the names and sensitive photos of Epstein’s survivors while simultaneously using “broad redactions” to obscure the names of the powerful men who actually visited the island. To put this in perspective, it’s like a police department releasing a list of people who got mugged while blurring out the faces of the muggers to protect their “Privacy Rights.”

When asked about this, Bondi didn’t exactly go for the humble apology. Instead, she informed various Congressmen that they had “Trump Derangement Syndrome” and called one a “washed-up loser lawyer.” It was less of a legal hearing and more of a Real Housewives reunion, but with more subpoenas and fewer table-flips.

The files themselves are a Who’s Who of people you’d avoid at a cocktail party. We have emails from Prince Andrew (now officially Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor) discussing trade reports, and links to everyone from Elon Musk to Bill Gates to Deepak Chopra. Even the UK’s political establishment is shaking. Peter Mandelson was recently ousted as Ambassador after files suggested he sent market-sensitive info to Epstein. When Congressman Ted Lieu asked Bondi if the President himself had ever attended a party with underage girls, she called the question “ridiculous.” Notably, she didn’t say No.

Meanwhile, in South Korea, we are witnessing a different kind of crisis. There is a national paper shortage. I am not making this up. It turns out that BTS, the K-Pop boy band that is globally bigger than even Taylor Swift, is preparing for their massive comeback tour, and the sheer volume of “ARMY” fan mail, posters, and commemorative photo cards has reportedly put a strain on the nation’s timber industry. If you see a Korean official looking stressed near a tree, now you know why.

Moving to the Winter Olympics in Italy, the mascots are stoats named Milo and Tina. A stoat is basically a weasel that has not yet been caught for embezzlement. Only the Italians - the people who gave us the Sistine Chapel, Da Vinci, Michelangelo and the Ferrari - would look at a long-tailed, carnivorous mammal and say, “Ecco! This represents the Olympic spirit of global unity.” Milo was reportedly born without a paw and “learned to use his tail to walk,” which is the kind of heartwarming backstory usually reserved for a Pixar movie about an anxious panda who finds out his destiny is to save the world.

Then we have the Skeleton. While you’re sipping that morning latte, a woman from Cape Town is currently sliding face-first down a mountain of ice at 80mph. For those of us in our 50s, the idea of doing anything face-first is terrifying. If I get out of bed too quickly, I require a 45-minute session with my chiropractor. To do it on a frozen cookie sheet “for fun” suggests a level of mental fortitude that most of us traded for a decent glass of Cabernet and a supportive mattress years ago.

Finally, in the “Are We Sure We Aren’t Living in a Simulation?” category, a reporter recently demanded to know why President Zelenskyy of Ukraine isn’t wearing a suit in the war zone. Apparently, we are on the brink of a global war, but we cannot possibly save democracy if the leader isn’t wearing a pleated slack. It’s the ultimate boomer grievance: “I know your city is being shelled, Vlad, but have you considered a nice navy blazer? First impressions are everything.”

To the men reading this: I hope you didn’t forget Valentine’s Day yesterday. It comes unfailingly every year on the same day. You can’t escape it. Don’t even try. Embrace it.

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We’re currently a curated group of 73 intellectually well-manicured subscribers to this newsletter. It’s a number so intimately small that suggests I’m either incredibly elite and exclusive or just terrible at marketing. This, in spite of the fact that nine out of ten dentists, and at least three moderately confused political consultants, recommend reading the What Ho! Report to maintain optimal cognitive health.

Just so you know, I personally endure the pain of reading the New York Times every morning specifically so you don’t have to. Think of me as your voluntary designated driver through the pile-up of global news. If you enjoyed this, do me a favor and forward it to a friend or family member with good taste.

And for heaven’s sake, say something in the comments. I know most of you are reading this while nodding rhythmically as your spouse reads you a 12-paragraph “urgent” message from the Family WhatsApp Group about why we should all be drinking boiled neem water to align our chakras. You definitely have the time. I’ve done the heavy lifting here. The least you can do is chime in.

Stay smart, stay skeptical, and whatever you do, keep your name off the island manifest.

Have a great week ahead!