Shoes, Ships and Blood on the Courts

Hey, who pressed that button?

It has been another completely normal week here on Planet Earth, by which I mean we are hurtling through space on a giant rock piloted by people who are, medically speaking, insane.

Let’s take a look at the Middle East, a place currently being managed by Trump with the strategic foresight of a squirrel trying to cross a six-lane highway.

First, we bombed Iran. Why? It remains slightly unclear. Maybe we had a surplus of extremely expensive explosives taking up space in the national garage and needed to clear them out before spring?

Now, Trump wants to move on. He is ready to declare victory, pack up the motorcade, and presumably hand out commemorative steaks to everyone involved.

But there is a minor hitch: Iran would like us to pay them “reparations.” Their core negotiating strategy is to continue violently blowing things up until they get a check. Meanwhile, Netanyahu is cavorting around the region unsupervised, pressing every button on the dashboard just to see what lights up.

The entire diplomatic strategy of the free world right now basically boils down to covering our eyes and hoping nobody trips over a warhead.

The Department of War (not Defense) announced this week that they bombed 15,000 spots in Iran. Now, I am not an expert in military strategy. My primary tactical experience involves trying to avoid my neighbor’s dog on my daily walk. But as a taxpayer, I have to ask: Are there even 15,000 distinct spots anywhere?

If you asked me to find 15,000 spots in my own house, I would give up around Spot 43, which is the drawer where we keep the tangled phone chargers from 2008. What exactly is the military hitting by Spot 14,992? A suspiciously aggressive sand dune? A rogue falafel stand? We are clearly just bombing places because somebody in the Pentagon fell asleep and leaned on the zero key.

To make matters even more comforting, FBI issued a warning to California to be on the lookout for a “surprise” Iranian drone attack launched from an unidentified boat off the coast. The tactical master plan is apparently for a hostile vessel to float all the way to Malibu unnoticed and unleash aerial warfare on a populace whose primary defense mechanism is hot yoga on the beach. Governor Newsom has assured everyone there is no imminent threat, which makes perfect sense. By the time an unauthorized drone successfully navigates the environmental reviews required to enter Los Angeles airspace, the war will have been over for a decade.

Back in Washington D.C., Trump has officially fired Kristi Noem from her post as Secretary of Homeland Security. This came after a week of Congressional hearings where she was asked questions like, “Why did your agency shoot at people?” and “Is it true you’re dating a deputy?” In the ultimate “You’re Fired but I Still Like Your Vibe” move, Trump has appointed her as the Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas, a title that sounds like a Marvel superhero with an honorary title. She’s being replaced by Markwayne Mullin, whose name sounds like two different guys trying to enter a bar at the same time using the same ID.

But the real crisis at the White House is in the area of footwear. According to reports, Trump has developed an obsession with guessing people’s shoe sizes and gifting them $145 Florsheim leather dress shoes. I am absolutely not making this up.

Imagine you are a high ranking official from, say, Gabon. You walk into the Oval Office to discuss a delicate treaty, and the Leader of the Free World stares intensely at your feet and says, “You look like a nine and a half. Get this man some Oxfords!” White House aides report that “all the boys have them now” and everyone is terrified to wear anything else. Rumor has it Marco Rubio was given one size smaller. We are one week away from the entire Executive Branch tap-dancing to Singin’ in the Rain.

Meanwhile, in the San Francisco Bay Area, the tech industry continues its noble mission to solve problems nobody actually has. This week, a startup went viral for securing millions of dollars in funding for a pair of “AI Dating Glasses.” The idea is that artificial intelligence listens to your blind date and feeds you charming, sophisticated responses through the lenses. In a promotional video, a woman asks the user how old he is, and the highly advanced, multi-million-dollar AI simply displays the word: “LIE.” This is what the greatest minds of our generation are working on. We are now mere months away from an app that will charge a subscription fee to remind us to chew our food.

Not to be outdone, a startup in India has built a “begging robot.” A group of tech-savvy youths have successfully trained a robot to beg for money on the streets. Again, I kid you not. Instead of using robotics to perform complex surgeries or explore the ocean floor, they have built a machine that rolls up to pedestrians and asks for spare change. Honestly, I respect the hustle. It’s only a matter of time before the robot launches its own political party and cryptocurrency.

For the weird news of the week, we must, as always, turn to the great state of Florida.

Florida has long been renowned as the global epicenter of rational behavior, and this week was no exception.

In Volusia County, a group of senior citizens engaged in a massive, blood-spattering brawl on a pickleball court.

If you are unfamiliar with pickleball, it is a sport created for people who have had at least two joint replacements. The fight started over a “kitchen” call. In pickleball, the “kitchen” is a zone near the net where you are not allowed to volley. Violating this rule is considered a federal crime by people over the age of 60.

Words were exchanged. An offensive slur was used. And, a 63-year-old man decided the only logical next step was to bash another man in the face with his paddle, splitting his head open, before shoving a 70-year-old woman to the ground.

He is now facing felony battery charges. Because nothing says “enjoying your golden years” quite like doing hard time in the state penitentiary.

Perhaps we can send the begging robot to Florida to raise this dude’s bail money. And if he goes to trial, hopefully Trump will make sure he’s wearing a nice pair of Florsheims.

Have a great weekend, folks!