September 2022

An exercise in incoherence

Bom dia! That’s Portuguese for good morning for all you monolinguals.

It’s been a while I know. The Vaccine is back, this time with a collection of thoughts that have no connection with each other, and was written without the aid of mind altering drugs.

As a critically acclaimed author of many award winning novels, I am often asked the secrets to my prolific output and unbridled success. It’s simple. I get my best ideas before I nod off to sleep or while in the shower. So, I nap a lot and take multiple showers in a day. On average, writing a book shouldn’t take you more than a few hundred naps and showers. Also, another tip: Be sure to buy a nice, bright and big house in an idyllic neighborhood with a room that has a stunning view of the Pacific Ocean or the Rocky mountains. Wait calmly a few years for the house to double in price and sell it. That’s how you make money in the literary business.

Joe Biden declared the pandemic to be over from his basement. If this means I don’t need any more vaccines, I’m all for it. Wait, did I just say that we don’t need the Vaccine any more?

When white collar workers were first told that their jobs were going remote, I’ll bet most were devastated. Soon enough, they adapted in true American style. They moved to Boise and Tbilisi and Bali. They took zoom calls from condos in Mexico City and billed employers for time spent on Instagram. By working remotely, they broke down boundaries. They became travelers, learners, coaches and teachers. They rented homes in fishing hamlets and enraged locals by telling them that they too could travel the world and meet people if they got high paying, remote working gigs. When they saw a sign outside their Lisbon Airbnb that said, “Americans leave,” they took it as a sign to travel and see another part of the world and disrupt yet another local economy in their wake. What are you waiting for? Go travel the world and gentrify it using nothing more than fingertips, keyboards and AirPods.

What kind of music do I like, you ask? That is such a great question. The taste in music reveals so much about a person. Does it? I like everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I’ve got classic rock, 2020s pop, 70’s disco, Glee music, Bollywood, Kollywood, Beethoven, Coke Studio sufi and even a few Carnatic musicians in my Apple Music. What’s something cool I have on my playlist, you ask? Hold on. I’m scrolling. This could take a while. How about we name an artist we both like on the count of three? 1..2..3 Harry Sty… Kendrick Lamar you say. What a fine choice. Sure. He’s THE GOAT for sure. I only added him to the playlist because Obama had him on his playlist and I only listen to him and Eminem because I want my kids to think that I am cool. But yeah, let’s go with Kendrick. While on this topic, I’ve got to say Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics hit differently as you age.

Other thoughts in no particular order.

I am a die hard, ultra progressive, dyed in the wool, deep blue liberal. I am always supportive of unions but I do not feel like they are a good fit for my company. I will cancel anyone you ask me to on Twitter but I will read their books and watch their movies, especially if they have Tom Cruise and cool locations in them. I think Frodo Baggins should not have destroyed the one Ring because that was so unfair to all those people who were ruined by it earlier. I love science and vaccines but I have been seeing others as well. People should be allowed to choose any gender or race or even family they want, and I don’t worry about the costs of making and keeping track of these changes across 350 million people in America. I will always use the right pronouns, vote in every election and display my stickers and like every one of AOC’s posts on Instagram, but I will do my damnedest to find every loophole in the book and pay as little tax as possible.

There are famous chess matches in which players are cheating using vibrating anal beads. To be clear, this is an actual thing that is happening and not something I made up.

There is absolutely no difference between the new iPhone 14 and the iPhone 13. We have reached the end of the road, people. It’s gonna get ugly. Next stop: total anarchy. Buckle up.

There are way too many optimistic people in the world who’re trying to convince me to pay $200 for a pair of jeans. Ain’t gonna happen, sorry fellas.

I love Shark Tank. But their new live studio audience format? Hate it. Take it behind the barn and shoot it.

The new Game of Thrones season is riveting. It has a lot of bleached blonde royalty, unsavory characters, and flying dragons and was shot in Florida, I believe.

I apologize for the incoherence. I honestly do not hope to do better next time.

Go and gentrify the world. Also, I command you to have a great week and month ahead.