January 1, 2021

Buh bye 2020. Say hello to The Vaccine.

It is January 1, 2021, the first day of a new year, which follows the most extraordinary year of our lifetimes, unless you happened to have been around during the 1918 pandemic, which, for reasons the Spanish will appreciate, shall not be referred to as the Spanish Flu.

I thought 1989 was pretty extraordinary. It was, in many ways, ‘the year that changed things.' In 1989, China witnessed twelve hours of blood thirsty madness that turned the clock back. Deng Xiaoping resigned. Ayatollah Khomeini passed into the Great Beyond. Mikhail Gorbachev was named the Soviet President. Rivets in the Iron Curtain began popping. The Polish had their first elections. The East Germans were permitted to cross into the West. India test fired Agni Version 1.0. The Dalai Lama won the Nobel Prize for Peace. Taylor Swift even named an album after it. Well, that’s because she was born that year, an Extremely Significant Event in my book. And crucially, I graduated from college that year, a feat some of my professors thought unlikely to occur. I guess it is fitting that the year that supplanted 1989 was 2020, the year my older daughter graduated from college.

Among other things, 2020 laid a pretty solid claim to being the year that changed families. Children were left scratching their heads, wondering how to deal with dads who were always around the house, didn’t know what to do with themselves, and were getting into everyone’s business. “Guys, what do you think about shutting off the phones and having some family time?” Children of all ages responded in one voice, “Are you crazy, bruh?” Same story with wives and husbands. Everyone in the world did at least one Zoom call with a large group of friends or family, in which the first 60 minutes were spent on telling folks to mute themselves and the next 60 on telling them to unmute themselves. A crazy number of Americans adopted “pandemic pets.” My sympathies to the ladies, who will inevitably get stuck with walking the poodles when the rest of the household realizes that they have no competence whatsoever in taking care of another life. And, for some reason, everyone, I mean everyone, started baking. Stores sold massive quantities of rimmed baking sheets, mixing bowls, spatulas and whisks.

The line between work and personal lives blurred. Just ask the colleagues of a guy named Jeffrey Toobin. Since this is a family publication, there will be no discussion of Jeffrey’s shenanigans. We came face to face with the truth we’ve always known and were not afraid to admit. That we don’t really like being on video with relative strangers. It didn’t take long before the boss’s feverish exhortations, “Come on, people. Turn on your cameras. Show yourselves. I need to see each your faces because I’m tired of seeing my family. Scott, I know you’re there and can hear me…” fell on deaf ears. (Scott, by the way, has been trying to get his camera to work for, like, the past nine months.) Like anti-vaxxers, there were anti-videoers. I have not seen one of my colleagues since March of 2020, he has not seen me, and somehow I feel that both of us are the better for it.

It turned out that people shopped a LOT online. “Well, if I’m not going to be allowed to visit the Grand Canyon, Imma spend the cash on that 3-piece premium leather living room set on Overstock that I’ve been eyeing for a while.” Some online stores pocketed five years worth of revenue in one year. The Ring doorbell went off every forty five seconds in every household in America during every day of 2020, alerting us to the comings and goings of UPS, Fedex, Doordash, and Grubhub deliverers and porch pirates. Houses came to be awash in cardboard boxes and plastic bubble wrap. I overheard a grown man in the grocery store going, “I’m spending two hours a day breaking down cardboard boxes so I can stuff them into the garbage can.” I kid you not. In 2020, Amazon became our de-facto employer. Everyone in America worked for Amazon. We worked hard during the day, earnestly interrupting colleagues on back-to-back Zoom calls with smart questions, so we could earn money that could be transferred to Amazon with a series of rapid 1-clicks. I like to think we, in our own little way, made Mackenzie Bezos’ philanthropy possible. At one point, a guy from Amazon sent an email asking if it would be simpler to relocate their warehouse to our garage. Of course, they didn't send that email. But they could have. All the while, Facebook was on point, faithfully listening to our phones and displaying extremely relevant ads on our timelines. “I can’t believe I’m seeing an ad for adopting a cross between a Dalmatian and a Doberman. This is exactly what I was telling you a few seconds back. It’s a sign, honey.”

It was a year filled with anxiety, grief, death, love and glimmers of hope. Joe Biden won the election once they finished counting the votes cast for him. After Election Day, Mike Pence has spent 18 hours every day on explaining to Donald Trump why it is not cool to declare the person who finished second as the winner. Georgia and Arizona, I see you, brothers and sisters. Thank you. Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Michigan, welcome back from the dark side. Florida, what. is. going. on. over. there.

I have more to say about 2020, but it’ll have to wait until next week. In the meanwhile, it might have not escaped your attention that you are reading a newsletter. From me. Yes, I have resolved to make writing great again. Err, make great writing again. In the words of Yoda, great writing make, I. And, here it is. The Vaccine from What Ho!

Here’s why. There has been a silent and invisible pandemic of human pain and suffering for thousands of years. It has broken millions of hearts, and left desolation in its wake. Enough is enough. To urgently save humanity from this scourge, I have been working calmly at a relaxed pace over this week to find a solution. I am happy to announce that I now have The Vaccine, the only known antidote to pain and suffering. Scooch over, Pfizer. The Vaccine is the only treatment stored at Zero Degree Kelvin, known to Prominent Spiritual Gurus as The Zero State of Zen. On Yelp, (someone who has apparently named himself) the Buddha describes it as “the most effective safeguard against Samsara.” And yes, I have permitted the FDA to approve it. 

Note: Side effects may include an uncontrollable urge to giggle, occasional nostalgia and a general sense of well being. Do not operate heavy machinery. I think that’s generally good advice to follow, with or without medication.

The Vaccine is now ready for public trials and tribulations. Without further ado, subscribe and get your weekly shots of The Vaccine so we may, as a society, avoid developing Herd Mentality. Spread the word. Tell one. Tell All.

Either way, it’s coming to your mailbox. You better believe it.