“Iran is the only thing that matters.”

Perfectly Calibrated Priorities

It was another triumphant week in America. A period where the federal government operated at dizzying efficiency only if you defined efficiency as planning three-way nuclear pacts while studiously ignoring the fact that a gallon of regular unleaded now costs more than a decent lunch. It was a week that proved that leadership is all about keeping your eye on the big picture that happens to be thousands of miles away.

Trump spent three days in Beijing, engaging in the kind of casual global re-alignment that most politicians might spend decades thinking through. The highlight? His pitch for a three-way nuclear weapons cap treaty between the US, Russia, and China. It is a beautiful, cinematic concept. Sure, Xi Jinping nonchalantly dropped a warning that mishandling Taiwan could lead to “clashes and conflicts,” and Trump remained noncommittal about whether the US would keep selling weapons to the island, but why sweat the small stuff when you’re planning a nuclear threesome?

Back home, cynics attempted to ruin the vibe with math. The latest economic reports show that inflation has climbed to 3.8%, driven by energy costs that have pushed average gasoline prices past the $4.50 / gallon mark.

When pressed on how Americans are supposed to afford the commute to the jobs they need to pay for the inflation, the President sagely observed, “Iran is the only thing that matters.”

It was refreshingly honest, even for Trump. If you’re sitting in your kitchen wondering how to balance your checkbook, you lack vision, my friend. You are thinking about *groceries* when you should be thinking about *Teheran*. The US Senate gets it, voting 49-50 to narrowly reject a Democratic attempt to end American involvement in the Iran conflict. The message from Washington was loud, clear, and economically sound: if you can’t afford gas, stay home and watch CNN to catch the latest on the Strait of Hormuz.

While the President was out there deftly handling the globe, Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services Administrator Dr. Mehmet Oz brought his signature wellness philosophy to the federal budget. In a bold move, Dr. Oz announced a freeze on $1.1 billion in federal Medicaid funding for California’s In-Home Supportive Services program. Why? The program was “suffering from rapid spending growth.” California officials tried to explain: the spending growth was due to a bizarre, unstoppable biological phenomenon known as “the population is getting older.” But Dr. Oz knows the best cure for an expanding senior population in California is to force them to move to Florida.

It wouldn’t be a normal week in Washington without a few people suddenly realizing they want to “spend more time with their families.”.

Border Patrol Chief Mike Banks abruptly resigned, leaving the scene with the ultimate parting line: “the ship is back on course.” It is the kind of reassuring statement that always inspires confidence, particularly when said by a captain as he steps into a lifeboat.

Not to be outdone, FDA Commissioner Marty Makary also stepped down after 13 months. History books will record that his departure was sparked by a fierce, principled showdown with the White House over flavor restrictions on electronic cigarettes. Say what you will but he drew a line in the sand, and that line tasted faintly of blue raspberry.

The Senate confirmed Kevin Warsh as the new Chair of the Federal Reserve. Warsh steps into the role just in time to inherit rising inflation, a challenge I’m sure he’ll meet with the traditional central bank strategy of looking intense and saying very little.

The administration nominated Kari Lake to serve as the U.S. Ambassador to Jamaica. It is an inspired choice. If there is one thing Kingston needs, it is the serene, understated, and deeply calming presence of a former Arizona gubernatorial candidate who has never met an election result she couldn’t dispute.

The week wrapped up with a pair of triumphs for the American people. The Supreme Court generously extended an order allowing abortion medication to continue being sent through the mail, ensuring that Americans can still access healthcare via the postman, since they can afford neither the gas to drive to a clinic nor a doctor.

Earlier in the week, FBI Director Kash Patel testified under oath during a fiery Senate hearing, where he vehemently denied allegations of excessive drinking and dereliction of duty. It was reassuring to see the nation’s top law enforcement official spend his entire afternoon proving to a room full of politicians that he is awake and sober.

As the sun sets on another week, Americans can rest easy knowing that while their pockets may be lighter and their gas tanks emptier, the administration remains firmly focused on the horizon. Specifically that part of the horizon that is furthest away from the gas station and the supermarket.

In other news,

AI Declares War on Pigeons: In a stunning leap forward for urban tech-dystopia, viral videos show that property owners are using AI-powered automated water cannons to blast pigeons off their balconies.The true promise of artificial intelligence is finally here: it’s cyber-bullying backyard birds.

Japan Deploys “Monster Wolf” Robots: Responding to a record-breaking surge in bear attacks, communities in Japan have begun deployment of terrifying, mechanical “Monster Wolf” robots with flashing red eyes and howling speakers to scare off the animals. If you had “Robo-Wolves fighting real bears” on your 2026 bingo card, congratulations.

The “Drunk” Deer of France: French police issued an official warning to drivers after a video went viral showing a deer spinning in erratic circles in the middle of a road. Authorities suspect the animal ate fermented vegetation, proving that inflation and high gas prices are driving even the animals to drink.

Have a great weekend, folks!