He said, Xi said

The art of the squeal

Rest in Peace, Pope Francis.

Pope Francis died this week at 88. He was the first pope to take his papal name from St. Francis of Assisi, the friar who dedicated his life to the poor. He was born Jorge Mario Bergoglio in Argentina to parents of Italian descent. The papal conclave will soon begin discussions, and voting to elect the next Pope, a decision that is announced by white smoke coming out of the Vatican chimneys. There is some buzz that we may finally have a pope from Africa. Speaking to the What Ho! Report on conditions of anonymity, Ralph Fiennes, the actor, who has been tapped to run the papal conclave said, “I kinda like the chances of the Cardinal from Nigeria. He is 6’ 5”, can run point and rotate the ball, plays decent defense, has a 92% free throw conversion, and shoots threes from anywhere on the court. It doesn’t get too much better than this. I thin he’ll get picked first in the draft.”

Trump announced that he would attend the funeral, tweeting “I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.” (This is absolutely true. He tweeted this). The First Lady, Melania Trump, announced that she would be joining her husband at the funeral, tweeting, “STOKED. I can’t think of any other funeral, EXCEPT ONE. that I’d be more enthusiastic about attending.” Trump attended the funeral on Friday, which included leaders from over a hundred countries as well as former leaders such as Joe Biden. Trump met with Zelenskyy in St. Peter’s Basilica during the funeral to hash out terms of a cease fire between Ukraine and Russia. Speaking to reporters after the meeting. Zelenskyy said, “First, I want to say a big THANK YOU to the President because I don’t want to get railed hard in the ass again. The talks were useful and I feel optimistic that we are making progress. For instance, I think, I’m not sure, that I have managed to convince President Trump that the cease fire agreement should include language that requires Russia to cease fire. President Trump also proposed that I hand over Crimea to Russia, disband the Ukrainian army before stepping down as President. I promised him that I would think carefully about all of this before turning it down tomorrow.”

RFK Jr makes more and more wild claims as he gains more and more confidence

Robert Kennedy Jr announced a series of sweeping claims today, signaling that his confidence was growing by the day that he would get to keep his job. Kennedy claimed that “I am now fully convinced that literally every bad thing starts in a wet market in Wuhan. Autism, decreased sperm count in young men, male pattern baldness and obesity in teenagers are all somehow connected to Wuhan.” Kennedy has vowed to send a team to Wuhan to get to the bottom of “where they make the autism.” In a press conference, Kennedy made a series of other wide ranging claims which attacked 5G cell towers, the rise in bees population in North America and the proliferation of podcasters as potential factors in the rise of various medical ills in America. “When I was a kid, I never saw anyone with autism. Suddenly, we have an epidemic since the late 80s. You’ve got to wonder. Thin about what happened towards the end of the 80s. We started vaccinating more people. The rise of Michael Jackson? The end of the Cold War? I mean, all of these could be factors, right? When I was a kid, all I saw was people getting measles, polio, chicken pox, cholera and smallpox. My parents and grandparents didn’t see any autism either. They saw the Black Death, the plague and the Spanish flu. I vow to bring all those back even as I try to end autism as we know it.” Naturally, the medical community has been outraged by RFK Jr’s claims. The American Medical Association issued a press release which said, among other things, “To say that autism didn’t exist before the late 1980s is absurd. Pluto was discovered in 1930. We are pretty sure it was around long before we discovered it.”

Pete Hegseth signals his drinking problems aren’t over yet

The New York Times reported that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared planning details of an attack in Yemen in a SECOND Signal chat group that included his wife and his brother. Responding to these new allegations of incompetence and impropriety, Hegseth issued a terse statement in which he said, “There are no secrets between a man and his wife. Sharing attack plans is an essential ingredient for a healthy marriage.” The statement did not explain either why only one of his two brothers was in the chat group and the other was left out.

Google upset at being sued over being monopolistic in a failing business

The US government asked a judge to break up Google’s monopoly by forcing it to sell its Chrome Browser, which drives users to its search engine. Google, in their opening defense, implored the judge, “No one in their right minds would use our search engine after the arrival of ChatGPT. The Chrome browser is the last thing on our minds. We’re getting our asses kicked by OpenAI, and our people are refusing to return to work. This is no time to be suing us. Can you please order our people to get back to work?” In related news, OpenAI is rumored to be super interested in buying Chrome from Google because “who wouldn’t want to buy a browser that drives users to its search engine, right?”

Judge preemptively orders the government to return her from an El Salvador prison

A Milwaukee judge was arrested by the FBI on Friday, accusing her of helping a man avoid immigration enforcement, a major escalation of the Trump administration’s clash with the judiciary and local officials over deportations. Judge Hannah Dugan “intentionally misdirected federal agents away” from an immigrant in her courthouse, allowing him to evade arrest, FBI Director Kash Patel said in a post on Twitter that he later deleted. His post said the FBI agents chased the man and took him into custody but “the judge’s obstruction increased danger to the public.” Before leaving the court in the custody of the federal agents, the judge apparently issued a preemptive order to the US government ordering it to return her from the prison in El Salvador where she expected to be taken.

He said, Xi said. “The Art of the Squeal.”

The nation’s top CEOs met with Trump and warned him about the impact of his ongoing trade war with China. Reports say that they told Trump that price inflation would increase overnight, and the store shelves would be empty in a matter of two to three weeks. Alarmed, Trump has sought to ratchet down the tension between the two major trading partners saying, “I am going to be very nice to China. I’m not going to be a hard ass. I will be very nice. They are going to want to become the 52nd state of the United States when they see me being so nice.” He also claimed that the US trade officials were in talks with the Chinese ones, and working towards a proposal. In a classic case of he said, Xi said, the Chinese leadership has bluntly denied that talks were in progress, instead simply saying, “We’ve got his balls in a vice that was manufactured in Shenzhen. You bet we will be squeezing them hard until he squeals like a baby in a wet diaper and copious amounts of white smoke come out of his fat ass.”

In other news

A majority of the nation’s men continue to be shunned by its women. That’s all I got. Just the headline.

I’ve been a little behind on the stock market news. Was it DEI or a trans athlete that crashed the market, does anyone know?

Have a great week ahead, folks!