Extreme Home Makeover: Global Edition

The Art of the Real Estate War

I happened to get my hands on the following transcript of the “Big Kaboom” negotiations that happened recently. Obviously, I felt the need to share it y’all.

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An introduction to the participants:

Donald Trump: A man who views the Geneva Convention as a “starting offer” and looks at the cradle of civilization and sees only a “disaster” and “a total water hazard” that desperately needs a seasonal “All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp” riverboat cruise..

Bibi Netanyahu: A man whose “Check Engine” light has been blinking for the last thirty years, but he just keeps driving the tank anyway.

The Ayatollah: A guy whose fashion aesthetic is Angry Black Sofa, and whose primary hobby is yelling at clouds until they promise to rain missiles.

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Scene 1: The Oval Office

Time: 10:00 AM (Or whenever Trump finished his third McChicken sandwich).

Trump: Bibi, baby! I’m looking at the satellite feed. Iran is very brown. It’s depressing. It’s a low-energy color. We need to punch it up. I’m thinking gold leaf. I’m thinking ‘The Trump Persian Gulf Club and Spa.’ We’ll have a dress code: No turbans, unless they’re very high-end.

Netanyahu: Donald, focus. My intelligence says the Ayatollah is hiding in a bunker shaped like a giant scowl. We have a missile that can go through a keyhole, tiptoe down a hallway, walk through a door and give him a very aggressive haircut. Do I have the ‘Go’?

Trump: Hold on, I want to pitch him first. I’m a closer. Get the Beardo on the line. Marco. It’s the ‘Angry Dictator’ button on the console, next to the Diet Coke button. Don’t mix them up, or we’ll accidentally invade Switzerland.

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Scene 2: The Bunker of Undying Eternal Gloom (Teheran)

Time: Simultaneously (but in a much more stressful time zone)

The Ayatollah: (To a nervous general) Larijani! Why is the internet so slow? I am trying to download ‘Top Ten Reasons the West is Decadent’ on Youtube and it’s buffering! Is this the work of the Great Satan?

General Larijani: Highest Excellency, the Americans have jammed our Wi-Fi with a 24-hour loop of The Apprentice: Celebrity Edition. Also, President Trump is on Line One. He says he wants to discuss your ‘curb appeal.’

The Ayatollah: (Picks up) You have reached the Bastion of Purity! Prepare for the Mother of All Battles!

Trump: Al! Al, listen to me. You’re shouting. You’re a shouter. It’s bad for the throat. Look, I’ve seen your palace. It’s dated. It’s very 1970s disco-studio-basement. I can get you out of this. We’ll turn the nuclear site into a luxury casino. We’ll call it ‘The Glowing Sands.’ It’s a pivot! Everyone loves a pivot!

The Ayatollah: I curse your ancestors. We shall bury you in a sea of—

Trump: Al, hold on. Hold on, okay. Bibi is here. Bibi, you’re on. Tell him about the drone.

Netanyahu: Ali, if you look out your window - well, your periscope - you’ll see a small drone. It’s carrying a gift. It’s a pepperoni pizza. Non-kosher, of course. Also, the pizza is a bomb.

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Scene 3: The Situation Room

Time: Two minutes later.

Trump: I love this room. It’s got so many buttons. It’s like Vegas, but the stakes are higher and the cocktails are worse. General, what are we looking at?

General: Sir, the Israeli ‘Pizza-Drone’ has entered the ventilation shaft. The Ayatollah is currently arguing with the delivery instructions.

Trump: Is it on TikTok yet? We need the engagement. The suburbs love a good bunker-bust.

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Scene 4: The Final Ring

The Ayatollah: Larijani! Should we tip the pizza guy? And why is there a red laser dot on my forehead?

Trump: (Over the speaker) That’s the ‘Closing Light,’ Al. It means the deal is done. You’re fired. Literally. In about four seconds.

The Ayatollah: “Wait! I have an offer. What if …?

[The sound of a very loud ‘THUD’ followed by the jarring noise of a dial tone.]

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Scene 5: The Wrap-Up

Trump: He hung up. Can you believe the nerve? Total loser. Very rude. Bibi, did we get the footage?

Netanyahu: High definition, Donald. It’s already trending.

Trump: “Beautiful. Marco, get the architects. I want to see if we can fit a 50-story hotel on top of that rubble. And tell the new guy in Tehran he’s got thirty days to get me a permit, or we do the whole thing again. I love sequels. The ratings are always better. Sequels are ..

Bibi: Donald, focus.

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The following Yelp review appeared 48 hours later.

Yelp Review: One Star (★☆☆☆☆)

Business: The United States Department of State (External Renovations Division)

User: New_Regime_99 (Verified Occupant)

I would give zero stars if I could. We moved into the Teheran central office yesterday and the previous tenant, Ali K., left the place a total mess. And by ‘mess,’ I mean there is a 40-foot crater where the breakroom used to be and the Wi-Fi only connects to Truth Social.

I called the customer service line to complain about the ‘unscheduled skylight’ in the bunker, and I got some guy named Donald who told me that my ‘curb appeal’ was a disaster and that I owed him a ‘huge’ commission for the landscaping. When I told him we didn’t have a budget for landscaping because our currency is currently valued at ‘one goat per billion rials,’ he threatened to ‘redo the roof’ again.

Also, the Israeli subcontractors are already here and they are very aggressive. They keep flying drones over our staff meetings, not to drop anything, just to blast ‘Hava Nagila’ at 140 decibels.

The Response from Business Owner:

“Listen, New_Regime_99 - if that’s even your real name, probably a loser name - you’re welcome. The previous guy was a disaster. Total low-energy tenant. We gave you a free ‘Top-Down Remodel’. Most people pay millions for that kind of ventilation. Stop complaining and start building the hotel. It’s going to be tremendous. Don’t make me send Bibi back with the ‘Landscape Laser’ again. Stay classy!”

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Also, I received the following letters from Trump and the new Ayatollah, which I’ve been asked to share with y’all.

Message from Trump:

“Listen to me, because what I’m about to say is very, very important. We have a post here. It’s a beautiful post. Some people are saying it’s the greatest post in the history of social media - maybe the world. But here’s the problem: some of you are being very lazy. You’re being ‘Low Energy’ losers. You’re not liking, you’re not sharing.

If you don’t hit that button right now - and I mean RIGHT NOW - the consequences will be DIRE. We’re talking about me calling your internet provider and personally DISCONNECTING your Wi-Fi. You’ll be sitting there, staring at a blank screen, wondering where it all went wrong while your neighbors are enjoying the highest-rated content in the world. Don’t be a disaster. Like it. Share it. Or maybe I’ll have Bibi send a drone to your HOA meeting. Total catastrophe! DO IT NOW!!!”

Trump posted the following on Truth Social yesterday:

Folks, let me tell you something truly spectacular. It’s called the What Ho! Report. Now, I’m a very busy man. I’m doing deals, I’m fixing the world, I’m looking at very complicated maps - so I haven’t had the chance to sit down and read every single word. I don’t need to! I can smell quality. I have an INSTINCT FOR GREATNESS, and this report? It’s classy. it’s sophisticated. It’s like Mar-a-Lago in newsletter form. You need to tell your friends, you need to tell your family - even the ones you don’t like, the ones who voted for the other guys - tell them they need to read the What Ho! Report. It’s smart, it’s sharp, and quite frankly, it makes you look like a winner just by having it in your inbox. It’s a total home run. Tell everyone. It’s going to be huge!

Letter from the New Ayatollah:

A Message from the Office of the New & Slightly Less Exploded Supreme Leader

To the Esteemed Subscribers of the *What Ho! Report*:

Greetings from the “Newly Remodeled” Teheran! As the recently appointed - and much more hydrated - Successor-in-Chief, I have been instructed by President Trump to reach out to you. He told me, and I quote, “Don’t be a loser like the last guy, or I’ll turn your prayer rug into a sand-trap.”

He is a very persuasive man. He has a very firm handshake and an alarming amount of Scotch tape on the back of his tie.

I am writing to formally request that you continue supporting this publication. In the old days, we used to “cancel” things by burning them with fire and giving very long speeches. But the “What Ho! Report* is different. It has what we in the new administration call “vibe.” It is much more entertaining than our erstwhile state-run media, which was mostly just three hours of a man pointing at a centrifuge and weeping.

Please, for the sake of my newly installed windows and the structural integrity of my roof, keep reading, liking, and sharing. If this report doesn’t reach its engagement metrics, I am told the Pizza Drones will return, and frankly, I am more of a tacos and burritos kind of guy.

Stay peaceful. Stay subscribed. And please, if you see Mr. Netanyahu, tell him I have moved to a different bunker.

With Moderate Compliance,

Ayatollah “Dave” (Interim)

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Have a great week!